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David The Gardevoir Killer
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Literature Text
A not-so-long time ago, in a galaxy right where we are living right now...a man known only as David created one of the most disgustingly evil and sinister fanfics ever recorded in the history of mankind. Whatever you do, do NOT read "David X Gardevoir". Capiche?
Worse yet, he even stole someone else's Gardevoir and reenacted the horrific events of the fanfic on the poor little Pokemon girl; he raped her to death, beat her up, shot her, stabbed her, and then jizzed all over her dead body. Not only that, but he also raped the nurse at the local Pokemon center, JUST LIKE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE ORIGINAL STORY.
After that, David vanished into obscurity and dropped out of the public eye to avoid being arrested. Ever since then, he's been hiding out in the basement of his house somewhere in the Kallos region, scheming.
His favorite thing to do is to jerk off constantly, and his favorite thing to do this to seems to be Pokemon as well. He produces so much "juice" every day that he actually earned the nickname "Handle Jack". Rumor and legend has it that if you call him by his nickname out loud, he will try his hardest to come and find you. If successful, he will- GAAAAAAH!!!
A FEW DAYS LATER, IN 2015, AT ASH'S HOUSE...
"He did WHAT?!" Pico the Gallade screamed, pounding the desk with his fist and sneering in frustration, his face reddening with anger as he read the shocking news on his computer. "This is an outrage!"
"What's all the ruckus about? What happened, son?" Garcia the Garchomp asked with a look of confusion and mild annoyance.
"This man named David has officially crossed the line!" Pico growled, clenching his teeth. "If you thought that that David X Gardevoir fanfic of his was a nightmare..."
"Oh my god, don't even get me started on that fuckin' story...I just ate dinner and my stomach already isn't feelin' very well as is." Garcia butted in.
"As I was saying," Pico continued, "guess what he did?"
"What?" Garcia asked nervously, shivering a little.
"HE REENACTED THE FUCKING STORY IN REAL LIFE!!" Pico screamed.
"I...I...I...I'm completely and utterly speechless!" Garcia replied with a shocked and appalled look on his face as he observed the hideous evidential pictures on Google Images. "Why, this shit makes the Vietmon War look like eye candy by comparison! I should know, too, since I was in that war back when I was still a teenager!" he explained with his jaw still hanging wide open.
"EXACTLY!" Pico replied, nodding his head in approval. "And you wanna know what's worse? HE MIGHT EVEN BE COMING FOR ME NEXT!! I'm Rosie's former BOYFRIEND! This man's cruelty knows absolutely NO bounds, DOES it?" he concluded, trembling with fear.
"TELL me about it!" Garcia replied in agreement. "Well, at least he isn't the reason why I only have one arm now..."
"Who is?" Pico asked.
"It's a long story..." Garcia replied, sighing and shrugging his shoulders. "I don't really feel like talking about it right now. Hey, who's poundin' on the door?" he asked, pointing behind him.
"Oh, it's probably Ash." Pico replied, peering through the door with his psychic vision. "Yup, it's Ash."
"Wanna try reading his mind?" Garcia asked, grinning mischievously.
"Why even bother?" Pico replied, crossing his arms and tapping his foot on the floor impatiently. "It's like we can already read his mind like an open book anyway." he explained, chuckling and opening the door. "Oh, hi, Ash. What's up?"
"What have you two been doing in here!?" Ash yelled at them.
"What? This is OUR room." Pico and Garcia replied.
"Well I don't like the sound of whatever you're doing in here!" Ash replied, storming across the room and accidentally tripping over his own shoelaces. Getting back up, he saw the images displayed on the PC screen. "Looking at porn again, are we?" he bitterly scorned them, glaring at them disapprovingly and pointing a finger at the PC screen.
"NO! It's not what you think!" Pico and Garcia replied, waving their arms in front of them and panicking frantically, their heartbeats quickening drastically.
"WHAT!?" Pico and Garcia yelled, breathing out in relief.
"I know what this is about." Ash explained.
"WHAT!?" Pico and Garcia repeated.
"I said I know what this is about!" Ash re-explained.
"WHAT!?" Pico and Garcia repeated again; they were clearly doing this on purpose.
"I SAID I FUCKING KNOW WHAT ALL OF THIS FUCKING SHIT IS ALL ABOUT!!!" Ash yelled so loudly that it caused the ears of all the Zubats living in their recently built nest on the tree next to Ash's house to bleed to death, effectively killing the entire nest.
"YEAH! We are the BEST Pokemon duo EVER!" Pico euphorically gloated in satisfaction, giving Garcia a well-deserved high-five. "WOO!"
"ANYWAY," Ash explained, shooting both of them a death glare, "I know what you two are so upset about. I've heard about it on the news. I understand. And that's why we need to work together, find this man and get right down to the bottom of this mess, you hear me?"
"Yes, we hear you." Pico replied, rolling his eyes a little. "But aren't we gonna need a bigger team?"
At that exact moment, the three of them faintly heard something rustling in the grass outside. Suddenly, it climbed up the wall of Ash's house and leapt through the window into the room!
It was a Greninja! "Hallelujah!" Ash squealed with joy. "I've always wanted to catch one of these, but I could never quite figure out what its main weakness was..." This comment caused all three Pokemon standing in the room to immediately roll their eyes and facepalm deeply.
"Like the wool of a lamb on a hot-air balloon, water guides the lightning through the storm." the Greninja explained.
"What? I wasn't paying attention." Ash replied ignorantly.
"WATER CONDUCTS ELECTRICITY! JESUS FRIGGIN' CHRIST!" Pico yelled furiously, pinning Ash up against the wall with his arms and staring directly into his eyes. "MAN, it really doesn't take a god-damned genius to fucking figure this shit out, you know!"
"Pardon my asking, sir." Garcia butted in, raising his arm. "What is your name?"
"Like the famous mascots of Street Fighter and Ninja Gaiden, my name is Ryu." Ryu the Greninja answered assertively, bowing down to them as a display of honor. "Allow me to demonstrate my true mastery of the arts, like an autistic schoolgirl painting the Mona Lisa with a mohawk."
With that, he produced a water shuriken from his hand and threw it behind him with absolutely wicked precision, slicing a nearby fly in half with it. With lightning-fast movement and reflexes, he then whipped out his tongue and used it to grab both pieces of the fly's body in midair as they were falling. Last but not least, he swallowed them and bowed to his audience.
"WOW." Garcia responded, stunned with amazement and jealousy as all three members of the audience clapped and applauded the magnificent act. "Why, even back in my glory days, even I couldn't do THAT! You, sir, deserve a medal."
"Thank you, thank you." Ryu thanked them, grabbing a few more flies with his chopsticks as everyone just stood there gaping and drooling with amazement.
"Snap out of it!" Garcia yelled, shaking Pico back into focus. "Ask him what his deal with us is! Don't you find it a little odd that he just broke into our house without permission?" he whispered into Pico's ear.
"Hey, Ryu!" Pico butted in, breaking the silence. "What's your beef with us?"
"I am lacking in beef. Ryu is beefless." Ryu replied jokingly.
"Answer the damned question!" Pico demanded, threatening to stab him. "Why are you here? Where did you come from? What is your reason for invading our house in the middle of the afternoon? When did you decide it was okay to trespass on our property? Most importantly, WHO DO YOU WORK FOR!?" he yelled.
"The name's MISTY!!!" Misty yelled enthusiastically, flinging the door open overdramatically. "Look, I also brought a Chesnaught with me! His name is Chester! Isn't it adorable?" she squealed with delight.
"Master, I'm supposed to be strong, muscular and most importantly INTIMIDATING! Stop it! Please, woman!" Chester begged her.
"I know, but in my opinion you're just the most adorable little thing I've ever seen." Misty replied, pinching Chester's cheeks.
"Like a child's grandmother at a summer vacation, she smothers him to death." Ryu sarcastically quipped.
"Anyway...HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT THING?! IT'S HEADED RIGHT FOR US! RUN!!! RUN TO THE HILLS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" Garcia screamed.
"Chill out, bro!" Pico commanded him, grabbing him by the back of his shoulder and stopping him. "It's not like that thing is going to just crash right into our...OH GOD DAMN IT! Oh wait, no, it was only a minor impact. Nothing serious."
It was a hang glider with the Team Rocket logo on it!
"Like the Apokko space shuttle, Team Rocket blasts off yet again." Ryu waxed poetically.
"Grr, I hate Team Rocket! They always steal Misty's cookies and then there are no more left for me to steal!" Chester groaned. "HEY!" Misty scolded him angrily. "NO ONE STEALS MY COOKIES! C'MERE!" Misty charged straight into the palm of Chester's outstretched hand and ended up getting a nosebleed from the impact.
After Misty finished crying on the floor, the group headed down from the second floor to the first floor and opened the front door!
Unsurprisingly, Jessie and James were out on the front lawn...well, actually, it was Meowth and James! Jessie wasn't even there!
"What is the meaning of this madness? It's like if wolves started sleeping with foxes." Garcia rambled, completely baffled out of his mind.
"Who are those guys?" Ash wondered; Ryu slapped him across the face. "Like a poor little boy whining about his breakup, you must get your shit together." Ryu explained.
"How in the world can there only be one member of Team Rocket but not the other? Explain yourself!" Misty demanded, placing her hands on her hips menacingly.
"Hey, I'm a Pokemon too, wanker! Don't forget me, Barbie!" Meowth yelled at her from beside James. "Yoo hoo!"
"I'm sure you've all seen my dashing good looks and fabulous personality before." James gloated, placing his hand on his chest and leaning forward egotistically. "Aren't I simply stunning?"
"HA! Gaaay!!!" Garcia taunted him memetically.
"OH! How rude." James responded. "I'm afraid that the correct term to describe my style is actually not gay, per se, but rather ambiguously gay."
"So you're BIKE-curious then?" Pico snickered, causing both him and Garcia to bust out into laughter.
"Grr, you incompetent fools!" James growled at them. "Look, I'm not here to fight you, I'm here to befriend you beautiful people! AND STOP LAUGHING!"
"Look," James continued, "let me explain how I ended up here. Hold on, let me take a deep breath.."
"Okay, listen, mates!" Meowth interrupted. "Let me make a long story short. Ya see, basically, me, James, and Jesse were all standing together in a hot-air-balloon shaped like a big ol' Meowth noggin, ya hear?"
"Like a foreigner of Australian origin, this Meowth has an accent for some reason." Ryu confusedly quipped, scratching his head.
"Meowth? Where do you blokes come up with this maddening nonsense? My name is Marmite for god's sake." Marmite explained.
"Anyway," Marmite continued, "there we were, gazin' out ova the horizon...when, suddenly, Jesse said a very dirty and nasty old word that prob'ly woulda gotten us into trouble. Luckily, we jumped out using the good ol' hang glider technique, and we ended up crash-landin' right here in your front yard. I dunno 'bout you folk, but I'm just glad we're not dead." he finished, gasping for air; a fly suddenly buzzed into his mouth and he started choking and writhing on the ground only to immediately return back to normal a few seconds later.
"Just one question I wanna ask." Ash asked. "Who are you?"
"Are you fuckin' kidding me?" Marmite replied. "NEXT!"
"Do you have a girlfriend or crush?" Chester asked.
"WHAT? That's none o' your business!" Marmite replied. "Oh, Deviart...such a beautifully gorgeous Lopunny you are..." he thought to himself, narrowly resisting the urge to fantasize about everyone's favorite humanoid television supermodel rabbit. "NEXT!" he yelled, snapping back into focus.
"What color is my underwear?" Misty asked, giggling; Chester slapped her across the face. "NEXT!"
"Why are you asking these questions?" James asked. "NEXT!" Marmite replied.
"Is this flower beautiful?" Chester asked with sparkling eyes after growing a flower from the palm of his hand and displaying it to Marmite. "God damn it, shut the fuck up, ya bloody wanker! NEXT!"
"Okay, I have an important question to ask you." Pico explained. "What was this so-called swear word that Jesse uttered?"
"Handle-Jack." Marmite revealed.
"Handle-WHAT?!" Misty asked, outraged.
"Handle-WHAT?!" Misty asked, outraged.
"Handle-Jack." Marmite clarified, causing Pico to bust out into laughter. "Yes, Ash?" he asked, sighing.
"What does Han-"
"DON'T SAY IT!" Marmite and James screamed, lunging onto Ash and covering his mouth with their hands. "Anyway, it is a painfully obvious innuendo for masturbation." James explained.
"Durr hurr!" Ash replied. "That IS actually pretty funny. However, why shouldn't I say Han- mmmfff! W-why not? Why shouldn't I say it, huh? What, is something gonna just jump out at me or something? Get real! I'm just gonna sing the word over and over! See if anything happens! Here I go!"
"Ash, I swear to ever-loving Christ, if you say his name right now, I am going to shoot you in the forehead." James threatened Ash, pulling out a pistol.
"Well, can I say it later?" Ash asked testingly.
"How about NO, you crazy-ass bastard?" Marmite and James yelled at him.
"Hell, I'll even bite you in the bloody balls if I have to!" Marmite threatened Ash, baring his sparkling, pearly white incisor teeth.
"Ha! Gaaay-"
"SHUT THE HELL UP, WANKER!" Marmite yelled at Garcia.
"Anyway, yes, the reason why we fled from Jesse was, in fact, because she spoke David's nickname, Handle-Jack, out loud." Marmite explained.
"Well, then, why doesn't he kidnap YOU when YOU say his nickname, HUH?" Chester asked, scratching his head in confusion.
"That's a good question, mate!" Marmite replied. "Well, you see, accordin' to our research, Handle-Jack doesn't give two bloody shits about fuckin' Australians. Therefore, thanks to my kickass disguise, he doesn't come after me when I say his nickname."
"Hey, guys, what's up?" Brock walked into the conversation out of nowhere and asked.
"BROCK? Where in the hell did you come from?" Misty asked.
"Where I came from is not important, Miss Beautiful." Brock explained. "However, you DO look rather sexy today, if I do say so myself..."
"Brock! Quit doing that weird thing with your eyebrows!" Misty yelled at him. "Are we going on this adventure or not?"
"Define going on this adventure." James and Marmite requested.
"Are we going to solve this mystery and foil the person responsible for killing this poor little guy's girlfriend?" Misty asked loudly and impatiently, pointing at Pico.
"Oh, yeah, that's right! Sorry, I forgot what the plot of this episode was actually supposed to be because we were so damned busy talking!" Marmite remembered, face-palming. "Let's go find a boat!"
"A boat?" Garcia asked. "Why?"
"We're going to Tokyo."
"Ah...like New York and Philadelphia, Tokyo is a city that humans must see in order to believe." Ryu explained.
ON THE BOAT TO TOKYO...
THE NEXT MORNING, IN TOKYO...
"Alright, so here's how this works." Brock explained. "There are seven Pokemon, each representing a deadly sin, whose combined energy is preventing our GPS systems from finding the location of his house, which is said to located right in front of a huge lake."
ON THE BOAT TO TOKYO...
"You know, this reminds me of that time back I was in the Vietmon War." Garcia explained. "You see, back then, back when I was just a teenaged Gabite, I got drafted into that accursed, bloody war.
The war was started by a German psychopath named Razorblade. He was a powerful Scyther who planned to take over the world by killing everyone in it and creating his own master race of Scythers.
He decided to start at a country called Vietmon. There, he tortured and murdered innocent people. As one of the highest-ranking soldiers in the Pokemon Navy, I knew I had to stop this psychotic son-of-a-bitch.
So there I was on the U.S.S. Dogmeat cruise ship, drinkin' weights and liftin' beer at the same time (yes, I was literally drinkin' melted weights and liftin' kegs of beer at the same time), when all of a sudden I realized that our ship was being attacked!
I ran out onto the deck and saw my nemesis. It was Razorblade! He had already killed several of my comrades! I Although I was scared out of my mind, I decided to man up (even though I already was incredibly manly to begin with) and face him.
I jabbed him with my arm spikes while he attempted to slash me with his arm blades. I was ducking, bobbing, weaving, and generally kicking his ass, but then suddenly he cut my right arm off and then HE FREAKING ATE IT!
That right there officially pushed me over the edge. I just couldn't bear the sight of him existing anymore, so I desperately used the one arm I had left to stab him right through the heart at full force, effectively and literally killing him.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't come back to life, but, just to be extra sure, I locked him inside a Pokeball and threw him into the bottom of the ocean. Scyther had wrecked the ship's engine, so I swam all the way back home to celebrate my victory.
However, I have the strangest feeling that David may have found a way to revive him. You never know what might happen..." Garcia concluded.
"Wow, that was an amazing bedtime story!" Ash complimented him. "Better than pro wrestling!"
"Good night, everybody..." Garcia sighed.
THE NEXT MORNING, IN TOKYO...
"Alright, so here's how this works." Brock explained. "There are seven Pokemon, each representing a deadly sin, whose combined energy is preventing our GPS systems from finding the location of his house, which is said to located right in front of a huge lake."
"Therefore, each of us gets one of my Bayleefs to ride to the places where these guardian Pokemon are hiding. If you're the one who's destined to fight one of them, you will be able to sense where that particular one is located. They've got psychic links." Brock explained.
"Damnit, why do I have to fight two of these fuckin' bloody bastards?" Marmite complained.
"I dunno. Get to it." Brock replied. "Everyone move out."
MARMITE'S POINT OF VIEW
"They don't pay me enough for this shit..." Marmite thought to himself, reaching his first destination, the Sushitown supermarket. There was a Snorlax there.
"Seriously? A fuckin' Snorlax? Fine, I'll just call you Sloth. Whatever." Marmite groaned in a pissed-off tone.
"SNORLAX." Sloth moaned.
"Is that all, stranger?" Marmite asked sarcastically.
"SNORLAX." Sloth moaned once again.
"Oh, well, in that case...how would you like to eat THIS?" Marmite asked sarcastically, throwing a bomb into Snorlax's mouth. Snorlax swallowed it and his entire body exploded, splattering blood and guts everywhere.
"Jeez...shoulda taken a damned photo of that moment right there." Marmite said with surprise.
A few minutes later, he reached his second destination, the Pokemon Beauty Salon. There was a Jigglypuff named Jiggly there.
"Jiggly? Lame-ass name, mate...oh my god, you're so adorable! SQUEE!! I could just eat you up right here, right now, piece by gooey piece!" Marmite squealed like a fangirl, pouncing onto her and-
(Hey, kids. We apologize, but this scene is just way too violent to be shown on even adult television and is therefore censored. We are truly very sorry.)
PICO'S POINT OF VIEW
"I wonder what smart-ass douche of an opponent is awaiting me now?" Pico thought as he reached his destination, Tokyo's Big Ben clock tower.
At the top of the tower, on the roof, he met an Alakazam.
"Greetings. My name is none other than Dio. Pleased to meet you." Dio explained, shaking hands with Pico.
"What cheap-ass tricks do YOU have up your sleeve, may I ask?" Pico asked, crossing his arms.
"To answer your question: ZA! WARUDO!" Dio yelled, freezing the flow of time itself.
"TOKI WA TOMARE!" Dio taunted, telekinetically throwing his entire set of lethally sharpened serrated spoons at Pico and watching them stop in midair.
"Soshite toki wa, moki desu..." Dio concluded, resuming the flow of time. However, to his bewilderment, Pico somehow managed to dodge around the spoons!
"Have you forgotten that I am also a powerful Psychic-type just like you, you fool?" Pico taunted him.
"Alright, that's it! ROAD-ROAD-ROAD-ROAD-ROAD-ROAD-ROAD ROLLER!!!" Dio yelled maniacally, summoning a steamroller from the sky. Pico immediately jumped right off the edge of the roof and levitated back down to ground level as Dio's steamroller crashed right through the entire clock tower, causing it to explode like something out of a movie directed by Micheal Bay. Presumably, Dio died in the crash since he had used all of his psychic energy to summon the steamroller and had no way to escape.
"Wow, someone should've sued that guy..." Pico thought to himself.
BROCK'S POINT OF VIEW
"Wonder if I'll meet some hot babes around here..." Brock thought to himself. "Fuck Bayleefs. I decided to bring a motherfuckin' motorcycle to my destination instead."
And here he now was, in a Pokemon prison yard. The whole area was empty except for one Golem living there.
"Hi. My name is Rock." Rock explained.
"What a pathetically lazy name." Brock replied.
"Yeah, well I'm a real gangsta and I'm homeless, so ya betta give me some cold hard cash or else I ain't gonna fight ya." Rock explained.
"Oh yeah? Well how about I give you THIS?" Brock retorted.
"FORRETRESS! EXPLOSION!" Brock yelled, epically throwing a Pokeball at the Golem, unleashing the Forretress inside, and watching it explode, shattering the Golem into pieces. Naturally, Brock, being Brock as always, made sure not to look at the explosion.
"That was...hold on...let me put on my sunglasses...ah, there we go...A BLAST. YEAH!!!"
"Alright, time to beat someone up." Chester thought to himself as he reached his destination, the world's largest Pokemon day-care center. In the parking lot, he met a Slowking.
CHESTER'S POINT OF VIEW
"Hey, Fatty!" Chester insulted him, not knowing that it was actually not an insult at all.
"Yeah? That's my name." Fatty responded. "What do you want?"
"Let's fight!" Chester commanded him, pounding his fist into his palm.
"Alright, but let's do it in the day-care center." Slowking requested. "Can you please carry me over there?"
"Alright, FINE..." Chester groaned, rolling his eyes. Much to his horror, however, when he entered the day-care center, he accidentally walked in on Marmite having extremely intense foot sex with a Mewtwo!
"Uhh...I can explain!" Marmite stammered.
"Some things just aren't meant to be seen..." Chester whispered to himself in horror as he slammed the door shut and went back outside, trying to erase the horrific image from his subconscious. "Anyway, how should I deal with you, Fatty? I see you're still sleeping...I know! I'll just pulverize you!"
First, Chester shoulder-charged and tackled Fatty directly through several brick walls. Then, he curb-stomped Fatty's face until the teeth flew out. Last but not least, just as Fatty was starting to wake up, Chester threw his entire body straight into a nearby wood chipper.
"That's what you get for eating at McDonald's." Chester spat. "Hmph. Twat."
RYU'S POINT OF VIEW
"Like a grasshopper in a forest of grass, I am now but a mere Pokemon in a forest of tall buildings." Ryu mused to himself as he reached his destination, Pikachu Power Plant, where he met a Pikachu.
"Like a fool suddenly realizing he just walked off of a cliff, I now suddenly realize that I am actually rather weak against Electric types." Ryu suddenly realized.
"I am Voltachu. I am the greatest Pikachu who ever lived." Voltachu spoke.
"Like trying to bake a pie and perform brain surgery simultaneously at the top of Mount Everest, this is the type of feat that is always much easier said than done." Ryu explained, standing in front of the central electric power generator. "You might be decent, but are you really as good as Ash's Pikachu?"
"Well, no..." Voltachu groaned, "But I'm still gonna kick your puny water-type ass until it bleeds! C'MERE, BUBBLE BITCH!"
"Like the seven deadly sins themselves, all seven of these Pokemon represent a fatal flaw of urban society." Ryu thought out loud.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Voltachu yelled in a shrill and high-pitched voice. "You're gonna be GREEN with ENVY after I'm done kicking YOUR ass!"
"If the little mouse is so eager to fight a giant badass ninja frog, why won't he just come out and do it instead of just taunting incessantly like a jackass?" Ryu taunted. "Like a pussy in a dark room, you are scared. You are afraid of me. Admit it."
"I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU, DOUCHEBAG!" Voltachu screamed at the top of his lungs. "PIKA!!!" he yelled, summoning a massive bolt of lightning from the sky. "PIKA!!!" he yelled, summoning another bolt of lightning from the sky. "PIKA!!!" he yelled, summoning yet another bolt of lightning from the sky.
"Like a dedicated Pikachu Thunder spammer in Super Smash Brothers, Voltachu is really starting to piss me off." Greninja snarled, a look of anger flashing in his eye as he ran at full speed to avoid Voltachu's lightning bolts.
"What are you waiting for, thunderous little grasshopper?" Ryu taunted. "COME AT ME, BROTHER!"
"Alright, that's it! YOU'RE GOING DOWN, OLD MAN!" Voltachu yelled, beginning to charge his Skull Bash; luckily, his eyes were closed because he was a complete idiot. OR WAS HE!?
"Like a kamikaze pilot, this little rat is attempting to suicide-bomb me." Ryu thought to himself. "I'd better run like the wind and get the hell out of here!"
"Like a sly raccoon, I am very light on my feet. Hopefully he didn't hear me running away. I'd better hide somewhere." He decided to hide in the cardboard recycling bin so that he could get a good ninja view of what happened next.
At that exact moment, Voltachu released his charge. "SKULL BASH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!" And with those ridiculously epic last words, Voltachu shot himself directly into the central electric power generator, completely overloading it and causing it to explode; naturally, he killed himself in the process.
"Like an extremely bad and cheesy pun, that victory was electrifying." Ryu joked.
GARCIA'S POINT OF VIEW
"I see I may or not have officially met my match once again." Garcia thought to himself as he entered the front gate of the Ancient Pokemon Battle Arena of Tokyo. "Who will it be? Someone kung-fu or ninja related, I presume?"
"Hello, old friend." a strange, mysterious and ominous voice called to him from directly behind him as he slowly and nervously approached the center of the arena. Garcia was starting to become really freaked out by the hauntingly eerie silence of the area.
"Long time, no see." the voice whispered.
"OH MY GOD, NO FUCKING WAY!" Garcia yelled.
"Yes, way." the voice whispered a bit louder this time. "It is I." he said, finally jumping out onto the arena and revealing himself.
"As you can see, I am a Scizor now. David has certainly trained me well. Wanna fight to the death in order to decide who is truly the better man?" Razorblade suggested.
"You won't like me when I'm angry..." Garcia warned him. Indeed, Garcia had recently used a special type of Mega Stone. If he got angry enough during combat, it would cause him to temporarily mega-evolve!
"Come on. Make me angry. I dare you." Garcia taunted as he ducked, bobbed, weaved and parried Scizor's pincer thrusts.
"You wanna know what I think about the fact that I tried to kill your family? I DON'T CARE! THEY WERE ALREADY WORTHLESS BAGS OF SHIT ANYWAY!
"Alright, I'm angry, keep going." Garcia taunted.
"YOU HAVE...somewhat poor taste in body armor!" Razorblade began ranting. "Your arm blades are DINKY and USELESS! You...YOU HANG OUT WITH STUPID PEOPLE AND YOUR MOTHER WAS A SNOT-NOSED WHORE!"
That did it. Garcia was absolutely livid. "You dare talk about my mother like that, you scum-sucking, mother-fucking, TWISTED motherfucker!? You deserve what's coming to you, PAL!" Garcia yelled at Razorblade.
And with that remark, Garcia finally evolved into Mega Garchomp and the two of them intertwined themselves together into an epic arm-blade duel.
They sliced, they diced, they slished, they slashed, and one of them kicked the other's ass. Of course, the ass-kicker here was obviously Garcia.
"Sword beats scissors. You are dead. Not big surprise." Garcia taunted as he left the arena.
With all seven Pokemon guardians taken care of, Ash's team decided to take a break at a nearby hotel and get some sleep, then go to David's house and fight evil the next day.
Having defeated all seven of the Sinister Seven, Ash and his crew were all assembled together at the front gate to David's mansion.
"Alright, my fabulous comrades, remember, BE CAREFUL!" James warned them.
"We gotta catch this bloke off guard." Marmite explained. "If we say his nickname even once, we're dead meat, or toast for that matter."
Suddenly, Ash noticed David's nickname, Handle-Jack, written on the gold plating right next to the gate itself...just as all of his teammates mysteriously got shot with paralyzing darts and temporarily became unable to stop him from reading it!
"Well, if it isn't-"
"NO!!!" Ash's teammates yelled.
"What? I was just going to say-"
"NO!!! Don't say it!!" Ash's teammates yelled.
"Don't say what?"
"Don't say his fuckin' NAME!!!" Marmite begged him.
"Oh, you mean, don't say...HANDLE-JACK?"
TWENTY SECONDS LATER...
Ash and his friends had all been thrown into the basement and tied up.
"Fuckin' Ash, WHY did you have to say his NAME?" Misty, Brock, Pico and Marmite asked him.
"Because...uhh...I thought it sounded funny! Durr hurr!" Ash replied.
"Oh my fucking God..." Misty whispered to herself, face-palming.
"Garcia and Pico, just use your arm-blades to cut us out of here!" Brock suggested.
"That's exactly what we just did, Brock." Garcia and Pico replied. "Now where would an epic final battle against David take place?"
"Probably on the rooftop, where such battles are almost always located." Brock replied.
"The more you know..." Chester and Marmite thought to themselves.
ON THE ROOFTOP...
"Hello, children." David addressed Ash's crew with a very ominous and creepy undertone. "Let me tell you something about that nickname you just called me by. You see, believe it or not, that actually isn't my nickname at all. It is actually my real name." Handle-Jack explained. "You see, what doesn't kill you only makes you...STRANGER."
"For fuck's sake, stop ripping off the Joker." Pico groaned.
"Why should I?" Handle-Jack retorted. "I've got everything! EVERYTHING! In fact...you wanna know how I got these scars?" Handle-Jack asked.
"One day, I was violently raping a Gardevoir named Rosie." Handle-Jack began.
"But that's MY girlfriend!" Pico interrupted.
"Anyway, she doesn't like the way that I treat her. Not. One. Bit. So, one day, she goes off a little crazier than usual. She starts advancing toward me, holding a knife in her hand. "WHY SO SERIOUS?" I tried to flee from her, but I couldn't make it in time. "Let's put a REAL smile on that face!" Handle-Jack explained horrifyingly.
"I'm gonna shove a fuckin' knife up YOUR ASS!" Pico and Marmite retorted.
"Ha! There's no time for that NOW!" Handle-Jack laughed maniacally. "SEE YOU IN HELL, SPERM SUCKERS!"
Handle-Jack desperately summoned all three of his main Pokemon all at once in hopes of standing a chance against Ash's massive team.
"Come on, fight me like real men! Or are you too scared?" Blaziken taunted; she had just killed Chester with her fire powers, making Misty very sad. Also, she won a fistfight against Garchomp. But she unfortunately forgot to check to make sure that a Water-type Pokemon wasn't sneaking up behind her...
Handle-Jack desperately summoned all three of his main Pokemon all at once in hopes of standing a chance against Ash's massive team.
The first one was Diana the Blaziken. Although she was an amazing fighter, she was also overconfident and a huge bitch.
The second one was Dragonslayer the Beedrill. Before evolution, he had previously been nothing more than a defenseless, sweet and innocent little Kakuna whom Handle-Jack would frequently shove up his ass for his own sadistic pleasure and amusement.
Last but not least, the third one was Deviart the Lopunny, the biggest slut known to man. She clearly had almost every single type of fetish imaginable, and she definitely wasn't afraid to show it, even while fighting.
"Let the fight begin!" Handle-Jack commanded.
JAMES' AND MARMITE'S POINT OF VIEW
"I cannot believe that that Lopunny had secretly been such a god-damned slut all this time!" Marmite thought to himself. "I mean, come on, seriously, THIS woman was someone that I had a crush on even on the radio? I won't stand for this bullshit. CHARGE!!!" Marmite yelled at the top of his lungs, charging directly into Deviart, who was already starting to feel aroused and distracted by the mere sight of Marmite's ultra-sexy cat-like feet, which he used in order to kick Deviart right in the vagina. With the toe claws extended out, no less.
"Oh yeah, that feels good...do it again..." Deviart moaned, drooling at the mouth. Meowth did it a lot harder this time, and Deviart began to look as if she was well on her way to orgasming.
"Oh my, you're so beautiful I could just eat you up." Deviart said, grabbing Marmite in her hand.
Marmite, suffering from intense feelings of deja vu, was struggling to break free but couldn't. "Oh no. OH NO NO NO NO NO-"
At that exact moment, Deviart dropped Marmite right into her mouth and swallowed him whole.
"OH MY GOD!" James reacted with a look of extreme disgust and shock.
"EW, YUCK! Now I know how a fuckin' shrimp on the barbie feels!" Marmite groaned, feeling queasy from the incredibly disgusting experience he was stuck having to go through while everyone else just had a normal fight. "Looks like I'm gonna hafta use my claws to get her to puke me out of here!"
"Take this, you nauseating bitch!" Marmite yelled, tearing Deviart's stomach apart from the inside with his hand and foot claws just before Deviart finally triggered her gag reflex and puked him out onto the floor.
"Oh my god...that was probably the single worst experience I think I've ever had in my entire life." Marmite thought to himself while James fought against Deviart all by himself.
Suddenly, James whipped out a giant AIDS injector! "EAT THIS, you filthy skanky whore-ass pile of shit! You deserve it!" he yelled, injecting the disease into Deviart's body.
"Oh my god, she's still on her feet..." Marmite groaned. "Wait a minute...FEET...THAT'S IT! EUREKA!" Marmite had a sudden stroke of genius.
"Oh, Deeviarrt..." Marmite teased, putting his feet up and showing off every single feature of the adorable soles of his feet to the absolute maximum degree possible, with the sunlight reflecting off of them. To top it off, he even wiggled his toes while doing so.
This more or less officially made Deviart cream her panties. Her orgasm was so intense that it actually caused her to pass out and faint.
"Let's just kill her and leave her here." James suggested.
"Are you kidding me?" Marmite replied. "She deserves a MUCH worse fate than THAT. Believe it or not, I actually poked a hole through her chest while I was slashing away at her stomach in there. Guess what I'm gonna do now? Wink, wink."
"Let me guess, you're going to somehow kill her using one of her own fetishes?" James predicted.
"Correct, my friend. Inflation fetish, to be exact." Meowth explained. "This needs no explanation. It speaks for itself. Seriously, just watch.
First, Marmite got out an air pump and stuck the tube of it into Deviart's stomach through the hole in her chest. Then, he pumped and pumped and pumped to inflate Deviart more and more and more with each pump, until Deviart's body finally couldn't handle it anymore and she ended up exploding violently.
"Well, it wasn't pretty, or even anywhere close to legal, but we still got the job done." James and Marmite told each other in unison, giving each other a high-five.
EVERYONE ELSE'S POINT OF VIEW
"PEEKABOO! Like a gun killing a soldier, I shall now kill you." Ryu waxed poetically, dousing her flames and chopping her head off with his water sword.
"I am the great and almighty Dragonslayer!" Dragonslayer boasted ignorantly. "You shall never defeat me!"
"Bitch, please." Brock retorted, spraying his biggest and best can of bug spray all over Dragonslayer and watching him die. "God, I hate bees almost as much as Nicholas Cage does..." Brock thought to himself.
"WHAT?! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! I-I CANNOT BE DEFEATED!!" Handle-Jack screamed maniacally and frantically. "I CHOOSE YOU! QUILLIAM!!"
As it turned out, Quilliam was actually the name of his personal flying mount, a Zapdos.
But just when all seemed hopeless, it turned out that Brock still had at least one or two more tricks up his sleeve.
"GO! KRAKEN!" And with that, Brock summoned his flying Gyarados. "It's big enough to seat all of us, and it even has cupholders! Come on, hop on! It's not like you really have any other choice.
Brock used his last Mega Stone to evolve Kraken into a Mega Gyarados for the final battle.
"Okay, listen up, guys, this is really important." Brock explained. "Gyarados has a quadruple weakness to electricity. If our Mega Gyarados gets hit ONCE by Quilliam's electric attacks at the type of level that he's probably at, we're totally fucked. Are we all brave enough and insane enough to accept this severe disadvantage?"
Thankfully, his question was met with a resounding "YES".
UP ABOVE THE LAKE...
Kraken was somehow dodging Quilliam's wing-generated lightning bolts with his lightning-fast reflexes while also firing Hyper Beams from his eyes at the same time.
Still, things were starting to look grisly. Even Marmite almost forgot to wear rubber gloves when he used a handheld electromagnet to block one of Quilliam's attacks. Things were seriously looking hopeless. However, Pico knew that as long there's a will there's always a way...
Pico knew that there was only one thing left to do. "I learned this one from Dio!" Pico thought to himself.
"ZA! WARUDO!" Pico yelled, stopping time completely.
"TOKI WA TOMARE!" Pico growled, teleporting the large collection of butcher knives from Handle-Jack's kitchen directly into his hands and then throwing them directly at Quilliam.
"Soshite toki wa, moki desu..." Pico whispered blankly, resuming the flow of time, which caused Quilliam to be impaled to death by the knives, leaving Handle-Jack to do the Wilhelm Scream as he fell off his trusty steed.
"WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!" all of our heroes screamed as Gyarados dived right down like a roller-coaster, snagged Handle-Jack's body in midair with his jaws, and then ate him, crunching down on the brittle, crusty bones and viciously chewing on the moist, raw, tender flesh as Handle-Jack's blood sprayed everywhere.
"WRYYYYYY!!!!!!" Gyarados roared maniacally as Quilliam fell into the lake, electrifying the water with his last dying breath.
Ash's crew then went back into Handle-Jack's house and carefully observed the room where it had been said that Handle-Jack had been keeping Rosie captive. Unfortunately, Rosie's body was definitely dead. But fortunately, if the Pokemon Center was able to revive Razorblade after he got stabbed right through the heart, it would probably be able to revive the flawlessly preserved Rosie.
"I don't even wanna see what she looks like in there right now. Let's take her to the Pokemon Center." Pico suggested.
AFTER USING THE POKEMON CENTER...
In the end, all's well that ends well.
Everyone returned back home and lived their "normal" lives again.
Pico finally married Rosie.
Garchomp got a bionic replacement for his missing arm.
All in all, everyone lived happily after, and the ones that didn't had it coming.
END
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In this hilariously insane and action-packed story, Ash's Gallade unintentionally assembles a large squad of allies both human and Pokemon to kill the man responsible for creating and reenacting the infamous David X Gardevoir fanfic.
© 2015 - 2024 xandermartin98
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It did not dissapoint. Good job xander (and yes its me Michael)