How Cave Story Should Have Ended

As Quote dished out the final blow to the Undead Core, the thing suddenly stopped moving and collapsed onto the ground. It was still alive, but just barely.

"Should I shoot him now, or wait till we get home?" Quote asked. "Personally, I prefer the latter."

"No, wait!" Sue responded, waving her hands in front of Quote's face to deliver the important 'no-no' message she was clearly going for. "Let's hear what he has to say. PLEASE? He used to be one of my friends!" she got down on her knees and begged.

"Well, alright, but this better not be like that time when I found Kazuma's cockroach in my gluteus fracture." Quote replied, shrugging and rolling his eyes at his own remark.

Sue shrugged, groaned and rolled her own eyes in return, before turning back around to face what little was left of the Doctor's seemingly heartless soul.

"It's NOT ENOUGH..." the Doctor growled menacingly, despite being basically already dead. "ENSLAVE MORE...HAVE GOT TO ENSLAVE MORE!!"

"For fuck's sake, just stop it!" Sue yelled at him, clenching her fists in rage. "This is such utterly senseless and racist violence and hatred towards our Mimiga people, and it must be stopped right this instant!"

The Doctor, chuckling gleefully at that remark, continued his monologue. "Violence isn't SUPPOSED to make sense, you inferior-intelligence buffoon! It's only FUN when it's senseless, my dear!"

"Why continue fighting, when you know deep down inside of your subconscious mind that in the end, it doesn't even matter? Why cling desperately to the last thread of your pathetically worthless excuse of a life, knowing that someday, everyone on this miserable, godforsaken joke of a planet will die?" the Doctor explained with a hint of sadness.

"All you have to do in order to find the true meaning of life is believe in yourself!" Sue yelled at him. "I learned it from reading The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy, no less! Guess a certain number between one and fifty."

"Fourty-two, schmorty-two..." the Doctor replied irritatedly. "The whole world's falling straight into hell, you and me included!"

"Life...Dreams...Hope...where do they come from, and where do they go?" the Doctor familiarly philosophized. "None of that Final Fantasy JUNK is enough to fulfill your kingdom HEARTS!"

"ENSLAVEMENT! ENSLAVEMENT IS WHAT MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING!! ENSLAVE, ENSLAVE, ENSLAVE!!! LET'S ENSLAVE EVERYONE!!!" As the poor batshit-insane bastard melodramatically screamed out his famous last words, the Undead Core exploded and burst into flames, leaving the remains of the Doctor's spirit floating in the air, cackling grimly.

"That was...beautiful..." Misery whispered, with tears of joy trickling down her subtly smiling face. "Sue, if you don't mind...can I give you a hug?" she asked.

"What's the magic word?" Sue asked smugly, crossing her arms and shutting her eyes as she said it.

"Sigh...please?" Misery groaned.

"NO!" Sue yelled at her.

"Hey, don't feel so bad!" Quote encouraged Misery, patting her shoulder. "Maybe she'll say yes next time if you ask her more politely!"

"Don't you get it?" Misery sobbed. "There probably won't BE a next time, you frickin' lunatic!!" she yelled, slapping him for dramatic effect.

"She's right!" Sue realized out loud, pointing at the ceiling. "This whole place is already crumbling from the inside out as we speak. It's about to fall apart for crying out loud! Come on, no more time for chit-chat, LET'S GO FOR GOD'S SAKE! Hurry up already!" she explained frantically, grabbing Quote's arm and dragging him along behind her.

"You know what? Screw you guys. I'm not going home. I'd rather just die here with no friends to speak of." Misery wept. "Me and my shitty alcoholic emo self." And then she just laid down on the floor and slept.

"Come on, let's keep going! Pick up the pace!" Sue yelled as Quote was struggling to maintain the energy to keep running at full speed. "If you don't sprint like a man, you might get crushed by these giant mysteriously-falling-from-the-sky bricks, like how Jack got crushed underneath Mahin's fatass body when the two of them unwittingly slept together in their jail cell!"

"Wait, WHAT?" Quote asked frantically, shocked out of his mind. "How in the hell did THAT happen?"

"To make a long story short, Mahin weighs approximately two tons and rolls around in bed a lot." Sue explained.

"So Jack basically got ran over by a steamroller?" Quote asked.

"Basically." Sue replied, gasping for breath.

"Sue, go ahead and jump off the balcony. It's your only choice." Quote instructed her. "There's unfinished business I need to take care of in this prefab house."

"Does it involve Curly?" Sue asked slyly.

"Maybe." Quote replied, shooting her a brief death glare and busting right through the front door to the house just as a giant brick was about to land right on top of him.

For unexplained reasons, there was now a hole in the floor. "Well, what's a soldier without bravery, I suppose..." he thought to himself, saving his progress and jumping straight down the hole.

"Welcome to hell." A mysteriously satanic voice greeted him.

"Oh god. Oh man. Oh god, oh man, oh god, oh man, oh god, oh man, oh god, oh man!" Quote moaned, trembling and wetting his pants a little. "Well, what can I say? Even though I only have about 21 HP right now, this level shouldn't be too hard!"

TWENTY TRIES LATER...

"Alright, Curly, I've strapped you onto my back, ran directly through a shitstorm of giant falling blocks of doom, defeated hell's innumerable legions of fallen angels, maneuvered around a fuckload of spikes, narrowly avoided several instant death traps, bobbed and weaved through a myriad of arrows, leapt incredibly long distances, and kept a piece of bacon in my pocket." Quote monologued. "Are you ready for the grand finale, the icing on the cake, the truly ultimate awakening of ultimate justice?"

"I will be once you finally stop talking, my dear!" Curly teased him.

"Alright, here we are, the final battle of ultimate des- Hey, wait a minute, what in the hell is this crap? We went through everything that this godforsaken shit heap of a level threw at us just for THIS!?" Quote groaned irritatedly, looking up and seeing that the boss was actually nothing more than a giant mechanical Thwomp.

A FEW SECONDS OF LEVEL 2 BLADE SPAMMING LATER...

"Alright, it's dead, now get out of the way!" Curly yelled as Quote lunged over to the far side of the room, landing on his chest; at that exact moment, Heavy Press's eye opened and it fell down to the ground, landing with so much weight and impact that it left a gigantic hole in the center of the floor.

After jumping down the hole, Quote and Curly found themselves in the hallway that led from the Plantation to the Doctor's statue gallery. Quote decided to enter the statue room through the upper-right door first so that he could turn the statues into statues of the good guys; being a little on the narcissistic side, he decided to turn one of them into a statue of himself.

"Hey, what about Jack?" Curly asked him. "Why not him? I guess the poor kid just never gets any proper attention or recognition whatsoever..."

"Meh, he didn't really have much of a role in the story anyway." Quote replied.

"WHAT?! You sick man! That's just downright cruel of you! He was such an innocent, cute and adorable little boy! Show the nerds some respect!" Curly scolded him, lightly smacking him with the back of her hand.

Once he was finished with that tomfoolery, he went into the lower-right doorway of the main hallway, which led into another, much longer, outdoor hallway. For some reason, there was a whimpering ghost dog sitting at the end of the hallway.

"Aww, it's so cute!" Curly moaned. "Let's see what it has to say, shall we? Please please please?"

"Alright, alright, alright!" Quote groaned exasperatedly, approaching the ghost dog. "Hello, sir, what would your name be?" he asked the dog.

"I don't have one." the dog whimpered. "Please kill my master. He literally tried to rape me and sell me on E-Bay, and his cruelty doesn't even end there! His magic power is so freaking OP! Please, I beg of you, please find some way to at least nerf it for God's sake!" And with that, the dog vanished from existence.

Opening the next door, Quote and Curly fell into the vast Seal Chamber where Ballos was waiting for them. "Wow, right in between two sets of spikes, how convenient!" Quote said sarcastically.

"Skeletons carpeting the entire floor...ominous Roman pillars everywhere...wow, this is some hardcore Gothic shit right here!" Curly complimented the architects who built the place.

Standing in the center of the room, right in front of his throne, was Ballos, with his eyes closed for some stupid reason; he was about three times Quote's height and had a psychotic grin on his face. "Welcome, noobs. I am Ballos, the wicked Level 99 Wizard of the East." he greeted them, with his right palm resting on his chest to emphasize his welcoming attitude toward them.

"A few years ago, back when people actually gave a shit about World Of Warcraft, I was a world-renowned master of the game." Ballos began to monologue. "I would sit alone in my basement every day on my computer, clicking on monsters, casting magic spells, and talking shit on the voice chat. With my simple yet insanely effective strategy and a fair bit of hacking, I was essentially more or less unstoppable."

"But then one day I let my power grow out of control." he continued, with the crazy shit-eating grin still not disappearing from his face. "The admins foolishly decided to ban me from the game for being too much of an obnoxious phallus-head, which made me awfully angry. If there's one thing you should know about Internet trolls, it's the fact that they can never quite stomach the things that they can dish out; in fact, this is actually their primary weakness, believe it or not."

"And so the mighty heroes of Warcraft have fallen, thanks to the perpetual, unyieldingly endless stupidity of mankind." he continued even further. "Upon realizing my fate, I reinvented something that no man in modern times before me had even dared to reinvent...real life magic. Harnessing the true power of this twisted, destructive, maniacal new discovery of mine, I permanently erased World Of Warcraft and all of its creators from existence, and then I murdered my entire family as punishment for calling me a basement dweller."

"And now that I've been eternally grounded for life here in this stinking Hell's chamber, I can no longer distinguish friend from foe. Anyone who is too feeble-minded and stupid to comprehend the nigh-limitless power of true black sorcery must be destroyed! Now, we shall see who's better equipped...IN A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!" Ballos screamed, opening his eyes, one of which was glowing red. "You wanted me? Well, NOW YOU'VE GOT ME!!!"

"So, uhh...were you even listening to all that?" Ballos asked.

"Uhh...well, sorry, but...no, not really." Quote replied, waking from his boredom-induced slumber. "What game were you playing again?"

"WHY, YOU GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKERS!!! GET THE HELL OVER HERE!!!" Ballos screamed furiously, using his levitation powers to charge shoulder-first into Quote, sending him flying almost halfway across the room.

"Hmph..." Ballos sneered. "If my strength alone isn't enough to stop you, maybe THIS will!" he yelled, levitating high up above them and casting Vile Voltage. A lightning storm was generated out of thin air, and, somehow, Quote was able to dodge every single bolt, even with the lightning clearly being attracted toward his metallic body.

"WHAT? This makes no fucking sense!" Ballos yelled. "Heroes really can survive anything, can't they?"

Standing directly underneath Ballos, Quote began pumping Polar Star shots into him. "You DARE shoot me in the BALLS?" Ballos yelled angrily, readying himself to summon one last bolt. "YOU MUST DIE!!!"

However, forgetting that Quote was right above him, he summoned the bolt right above himself. The bolt hit him right in the brain, almost frying him unconscious...but he still had a few more tricks up his sleeve.

"Behold my true form and despair!" Ballos commanded them dramatically as his bizarre new form, an enormous ball of rock with his face on it, landed on the floor.

"What in the flying fuck is that thing?" Quote asked.

"Dunno...looks a lot like the moon from Majora's Mask, except with Ballos' face on it." Curly replied.

"THIS IS MY TRUE FORM!" Ballos yelled at them. "Behold it and despair!!"

And with that, Ballos jumped and landed on the floor three times in a row every few seconds, scattering bones everywhere each time as Quote ran under him. "Wow, what a predictable pattern!" Quote snickered.

"YOU DARE INSULT MY FLAWLESSLY MEMORABLE PATTERN?!" Ballos yelled. "Oh, wait..." Sure enough, Quote was perched right on top of his lower eyelid. Ballos screamed in pain as Quote began spamming Level 2 blades into his eyes.

"THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!" Ballos screamed, shutting his now-blinded eyes and surrounding himself with a rotating octagon-shaped arrangement of eye rocks. "LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN JUST RUN UNDER THIS- oh, wait."

Once Quote had blasted all eight eyes shut, Ballos levitated into the center of the room and began shaking, his eye-rock shield rotating rapidly as a similar, albeit much slower, rotating arrangement of platforms appeared around him.

"NOW...BEHOLD my TRUE form and DESPAIRRRR!!!" Ballos screamed at the top of his lungs as his eye sockets and mouth burst open, splattering the blood of all the poor souls he had eaten all over the place.

"You got blood on my beautiful red HAT!" Quote scolded him angrily. "Now you're going to PAY!" he yelled, taking out his missile launcher and blasting the shit out of the vulnerable half of Ballos' defense eyes, followed by Ballos himself. But just as he was about to defeat Ballos, he ran out of missiles. And his Polar Star was out of batteries as well, and, worst of all, Curly's Nemesis was even literally firing rubber ducks! "Shit, what am I gonna do now?" he thought to himself. "There's demonic angels shooting me with flying arrows from all directions and I'm running out of health. There's only one thing left to do..."

Suddenly, King's spirit stopped time again. "Use the grenade, Quote..." King's voice echoed through Quote's mind. "Trust us, Quote...we will gladly sacrifice ourselves if it means that the world will be saved from destruction. Rub lotion on our backs and we'll rub lotion on yours, Quote." Jack explained. "And we'll also give you a lollipop with a nice big smiley face on it too! YAY!" Toroko added excessively.

"For fuck's sake, Jack, we're both dead! Not to mention that at least two of us are also straight!" King corrected him. "Oh, yeah, right...my bad." Jack snickered.

"Whee! I love you so much, you're my favorite friend in the whole wide world! Look at me, I'm still just an adorable huggable cuddly-wuddly lil' bunny! Sweeter than a marshmallow! Huggie wuggie wuggie! Let's snuggle! YAY!" Toroko squealed delightfully with more than a slight tinge of sarcasm, deliberately mocking her own irreplaceably intense cuteness.

"The grenade...THAT'S IT!" Quote suddenly realized with delight, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out his one and only Holy Hand Grenade. Holding it up into the air, he watched as the grenade absorbed the vengeful spirits of Jack, King and Toroko.

"I HAVE THE POWER!!!" Quote yelled epically at the top of his lungs, his voice echoing all the way from the Seal Chamber to Tokyo and back. And then, our savior, Quote, reached toward the heavens yet again, with grenade still in hand, saying, "O King, bless this thy hand grenade that, with it, thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy."

And with that, Quote threw the grenade with a combination of shockingly weak physical force and devastatingly powerful emotional force; he almost missed, but the spirits contained within the grenade allowed it to change course in midair and fly directly into Ballos' eye socket just as time began to flow again. "Huzzah, motherfucker."

The grenade exploded in an amazingly awesome and nuclear fashion, releasing so much light energy that it caused the entire room to flash pure white for several seconds, shattering Ballos into at least ten thousand bloody pieces and causing both Quote's and Curly's jaws to drop to the floor with sheer, utter amazement. And with that, Quote began to sing. "Now you're dead, we're dead cause we killed you-"

"No time for celebration just yet!" Curly reminded him. "Do you hear someone speaking or is that just me?"

"Quote, Quote, Quote, Quote, Quote, Quote, Quote, Quote, Quote, Quote, Quote, Quote, Quote...IT HURTS, QUOTE...PLEASE...GO AWAY...OH, GOD...IT BURNS..." Ballos's disembodied voice bone-chillingly moaned through the air as the walls began to close in on the two of them.

"Shit, what're we gonna do now?" they frantically wondered to themselves. Suddenly, they heard a familiar voice. "OH, YEAH!" Balrog yelled as he busted in through the ceiling. "Now that you've gotten rid of the Demon Crown's influence, Misery finally stopped whining about how emo she is and decided to let me help you guys. Thank the almighty Lord...I was so tired of hearing her listen to Linkin Park everywhere she went." Balrog explained.

"Anyway, climb onto my body!" Balrog commanded them, causing Quote to snigger. "JUST CLIMB ONTO MY GOD-DAMNED HEAD AND GET THIS STUPID SHIT OVER WITH, WILL YOU!?" Balrog yelled angrily at him.

And so they climbed onto him and he jumped right through the ceiling. "Oh my god, is your head alright?" Curly asked.

"Mimigas taste good with ketchup." Balrog replied. "ERR, I MEAN YES, MY HEAD IS PERFECTLY FINE!"

"I always did wonder about him..." Quote whispered to Curly.

"What was that?" Balrog asked him arrogantly.

"Oh, nothing." Quote replied, whistling innocently. "Let's just find a hotel and stay there for a night while we think about where to live, shall we?"

"That sounds alright!" Curly replied as the island finally stopped falling. "Hey, toaster, you got any money in ya?"

"I'M NOT A FRICKIN' TOASTER! WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT?!?" Balrog screamed in pure pent-up aggravation at the fact that no one understood exactly what he was.

And so, back on the Earth's surface, the three of them spent their entire night in some random hotel room arguing about what Balrog was supposed to be, while Sue got herself reverted back into her dark-tan human form and got put on court trial by Kazuma for saying that she hated every "white" person on the island.

"TOASTER!" Quote argued.
"SUITCASE!" Curly argued back.
"LUNCHBOX!" Quote argued back.
"TELEVISION!" Curly argued back.
"BRIEFCASE!" Quote argued back.
"INTERNET MEME!" Curly argued back.
"BALLOS' SON!" Quote argued.
"MINT BOX!" Curly argued back.
"FISH CAN!" Quote argued back.
"COMPUTER!" Curly argued back.
"BATHTUB!" Quote argued back.
"BAR OF SOAP!" Balrog yelled exhaustedly at them. "FOR THE LAST TIME, I! AM A FUCKING! BAR! OF SOAP!"

"I know you are, but what am I?" Quote and Curly responded sassily as the two of them were sleeping fully-clothed in bed together.

"Jesus Christ, you two sound like a frickin' married couple!" Balrog groaned, causing Quote and Curly to laugh their heads off.

And so Quote and Curly married; Jack, King and Toroko went to heaven, and to make a long story short, everyone lived happily ever after. Well, except for Jack, that is.

"Oh, come on, seriously, the cafeteria is serving meat loaf AGAIN?!" Jack groaned.

THE END