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March 8
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One fateful Monday at South Park High, all of South Park Elementary's former students were currently teenagers. Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and Kenny McCormick, as well as many other students, were going about their typical school business.
However, there was one thing that was getting on everybody's fucking nerves. Eric Cartman had recently recieved a new video camera from his mother Liane Cartman. Cartman, being the obnoxiously egotistical douche that he is, would not stop showing off his new video camera, which was seriously pissing his classmates off to no end.
Sex Ed class was about to start, and all of the students were worried about who their teacher would be.
"Please not Mr. Garrison...PLEASE NOT MR. GARRISON...", the students whispered.
Sure enough, the teacher was Mr. Garrison. "Okay, children, who can tell me what a boner is? Anyone?"
"Come on, don't be shy." As Clyde raised his hand, Mr. Garrison responded, "Yes, Clyde?"
"A fishing pole?", Clyde asked.
"Okay, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard." said Mr. Garrison.
Cartman already realized where this was heading, so he yelled "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY GIANT ERECT BONER BALLS, MR. GARRISON?"
Mr. Garrison was speechless for several seconds, then he said "Present them."
Cartman, being the magnificent bastard that he is, presented his penis, testicles and scrotum to the entire classroom. Mr. Garrison said "HA! It's not even two inches long! Mine is like three inches! Who's the gay one NOW, huh, faggot?". Everyone in the class laughed. "Well, actually, I hate to admit it, but those ARE some red-hot sexy balls...", continued Mr. Garrison, causing every student in the class to bust out laughing.
"Hey, what's so funny about my god-damned balls?" said Cartman.
Kenny replied, "Nhthhng, hxchpt fhr thh fhct thht thht fhckhng fhgght Mr. Ghrrhshn hs hn lhve whth thhm. Yhhrh a rhhl bhllsy dhck, Chrtmhn."

"Hey! I may be ballsy, but I'm not a fucking dick, you poor stupid asshole!" yelled Cartman. Kenny slugged him in the arm. "Owwwww, Keenny, why'd you do that?"
Mr. Garrison brought the students' attention back to the Sex Ed subject at hand. "Okay, children, we have a lot to learn today! We sure do, Mr. Garrison. Now I'd like a volunteer to read this document about sex, please."
Garrison drew a card from a hat. "Jimmy Valmer, please volunteer."
Jimmy Valmer began reading. "S-s-se-s-s-se-s-se-sex is some-th-th-ing th-tha-th-th-that wom-w-wo-wome-w-wo-women..."
Mr. Garrison said "OKAY! JESUS CHRIST! That's enough! I'll just play this Sex Ed video! Cartman, you can record this on your video camera, but you better not laugh and giggle about it!"
"I'm 16 years old, dumbass! What kind of 16 year old kid has a perverted and sick sense of humor?" said Cartman. "You do, fatass!" said Kyle.
"Hey! Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!" yelled Cartman.
"Eric Cartman! If you say the F word one more time, I'm going to have to send you to the school counselor!" yelled Mr. Garrison. "Now, Timmy...put the video in there for me, would you please?"
Timmy put the CD into the laptop's disk drive, and the video began as Cartman readied his video camera.
"Sex is something that women perform with men. Sometimes, it is used as a pastime. However, even when you're just fucking each other for the sake of fucking each other, sex is serious and needs to be taken seriously. As the penis is inserted into the vagina, erection, followed by male orgasm, is achieved. Semen is ejaculated and..."
After about 15 minutes of mature sex education and immature laughter, Cartman wiped the laugh-induced tears from his eyes and finished his recording of Mr. Garrison's Sex Ed video. "So, boys, how did you like it?" asked Mr. Garrison.
"Wow, Cartman's mom is a slut!" said Wendy.
"Hey, shut up about my freaking mom, bitch!" said Cartman.
"Whll, ht's trhh, yhh knhw. Yhhr mhm whs prhtty ghd-dhmnhd shxy...whht hf I thld yhh I fhckhd hhr lhst nhght?" said Kenny.
"You did WHAT?" said Cartman. Kenny giggled ecstatically.
"Mr. Garrison, did you use a condom when you made that video?" asked Stan. "You might catch herpes if you didn't!" Everyone except Cartman and Garrison laughed.
"Hey, my mom does not have STDs, asshole!" yelled Cartman.
"How do you know that?" asked Mr. Garrison. "All I know is that I had a lot of fun with her, if you know what I mean." Everyone laughed. "Haha, I got the whole video AND this whole conversation recorded on my video camera!" said Cartman.

Later at the cafeteria, Cartman was sitting at a table with Stan and Kenny, discussing Cartman's secret plan.
"Tonight, we are going to film Kyle naked." said Cartman.
"Why?" asked Stan.
"Umm...because he doesn't have any clothes on?" said Cartman.
"Nh shht, Shhrlhck!" said Kenny.
"Anyway...meet me in front of Kyle's window tonight, okay? Here are your dialogue scripts. Practice your lines and meet me at 11:30 PM. Comprende?" said Cartman.
LATER THAT NIGHT...
"Okay, Stan and Kenny. I am speaking to you through a military-grade walkie-talkie network communication system. DO YOU RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH?" said Cartman.
"SIR YES SIR!" said Kenny and Stan.
"Good. Are you almost here?" said Cartman.
"We're getting there, for fuck's sake! We just snuck out of our bedroom windows using our climbing ropes." replied Stan and Kenny.
TWO MINUTES LATER...
"Okay, action!" whispered Cartman.
"Dh yhh thhnk hhll dh ht thnhght?" asked Kenny.
"Of course he will. It's like clockwork." replied Stan.
"Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness one of the seven wonders of the world." said Cartman. "At about 11:30 PM, eastern standard time, through this window...Stan's buddy Kyle will descend the staircase as he does every night for a glass of water."
"Hnd hh ahnt drhsshd fhr phhplh th sthrh ht thrhhgh thh fhckhng whndhw, hf yhh knhw whht I mhhn." said Kenny.
"Yep. You heard right. He's completely and irrevocably...NAAAKEEED." said Cartman.
"With no clothes on!" said Kenny, flipping his hood off.
Suddenly, Kyle's staircase light turned on, and all three boys turned their attention to the staircase. As Kyle's curly-haired naked body descended the staircase and got a glass of water from the fridge...Cartman, Stan and Kenny were trying not to giggle uncontrollably.
All three boys made their escape unnoticed. "Okay, where's our money?" asked Stan.
"Yeah, where's our god-damned money?" asked Kenny.
"I don't know what the hell you two are talking about." replied Cartman.
"God damn it! Don't you remember? You said you would pay us fifty dollars each if we did this!" yelled Stan.
"Fifty dollars? No way, I was going to pay you MAYBE fifty cents each." said Cartman. "You're a fucking fatass cheapskate fuckwad, Cartman!" yelled Kenny. "Still...(wolf whistles)...Kyle has one hell of a filthy Jewish body." continued Cartman. "The girls are gonna go so fucking crazy about it. They'll be swarming around Kyle like motherfucking zombies when I show this shit to them!" said Cartman.
"God damn you Cartman! Still, this does sound like it'll make a pretty hilarious story..." said Stan.
"I think I almost got a boner while we were filming!" said Kenny.
"Umm...okay. I did NOT need to hear that, Kenny." replied Cartman. "Okay, the mission is over for tonight. Everyone head back home and sneak back into bed. You've still got your ropes, right?"
"Yes." said Kenny and Stan. "Good night, asshole...heh heh..."

NEXT MORNING...
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were standing at the bus stop. Kyle asked Cartman "Hey! What did you do with your video camera last night, Cartman? And why were you, Stan, and Kenny all separated from my lunch table? Were you making another god-damned secret plan, Cartman?"
"Umm...heh heh...not exactly." said Cartman.
At school, Kyle spoke with the school counselor, Mr. Mackey. Kyle began with "Um, Mr. Mackey? I'm a little afraid to tell you this, but..."
"What's the matter, lil Kyle? I can talk to you about anything, m'kay? Are you coming to talk to me about Cartman's new camera?" Mr. Mackey replied.
"Umm, yes actually. You see, he used that thing to film the entire sex video in Mr. Garrison's Sex Ed class. Also, I think he might be using it to spy on people, like me for example." Kyle explained.
"Spying is bad, m'kay? Just keep a low profile and make sure no one can see you at night, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey replied.
"Okay, Mr. Mackey", Kyle responded. "I'll remember to keep my window blinds shut at night."
AT THE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM SHOW AND TELL...
"Everybody give a round of applause for Kenny!" said the announcer.
"Hhllh, thhs hs my Mysthrhhn chsthmh. It's nht fhr shle, bht Mysthrhhn hs prhtty bhdhss, dhnt yhh thhnk?" Kenny explained.
"YEAH! GO KENNY!" the audience cheered.
"Next up is Butters!" said the announcer.
"Umm, hi everybody! This is me, Butters! Check out my limited-edition Professor Chaos costume!" Butters explained. The audience booed him off stage and threw tomatoes at him.
"Next up...we have Cartman, Stan and Kenny!" said the announcer.
"This is the video that I recorded on my video camera last night. I hope you all enjoy it!" Cartman explained.
"Hm, hrh yhh shrh thhs hs thh bhst fhckhng hdhh, Chrtmhn?" Kenny asked.
"Hell no!" Stan replied. "But it's the funniest idea we've got..."
"Hhy, spyhng hn nhkhd phhplh jhst fhr shhts hnd ghgglhs hs nht chhl, my frhhnd! Sthp phtthng Chrtmhn's whrds hn yhhr mhhth!" Kenny yelled.
"Hey, you look at naked women all the time...remember when you jacked off to my mom taking a shower? I did too, you know." said Stan. Kenny sighed.
The video began. When it got around to the part where Kyle was shown naked, Kyle was shocked. Cartman had outsmarted him and found his weakness. Everyone had just seen Kyle naked on the enormous auditorium screen, with his stupid curly red hair showing.
Everyone was laughing except Kyle.
"God damn it, I should have at least had my hat on.." Kyle thought to himself.
"Wow, that was sexy..." Wendy thought out loud. "I still can't cheat on Stan though."
"Why not?" Bebe asked.
"Because YOU'RE A FUCKING SLUT, BEBE!" Wendy whispered.
"How did you girls like it?" asked Cartman.
"Oh my god, I want to have sex with Kyle now!" yelled Wendy.
"Well, okay but you'll probably catch the Jewbitch virus!" said Cartman.
"HEY! That's not fucking funny!" Kyle yelled.
"I want to lick his feet!" Bebe said.
"Do you want him to lick yours back?" Cartman asked.
"CARTMAN, THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING!" Kyle yelled.
"I think my penis just squirted everywhere!" said Mr. Garrison.
"Damnit, Mr. Garrison, what the hell is wrong with you?" Chef asked.
"Hey, teenage boys masturbate all the time on DeviantArt so I figured I'd get in on the action, too." Mr. Garrison replied.
"You are one sick fuck, you know that?" Chef concluded.
EVERYONE EXITS.

Out on the schoolyard in front of South Park High...Kyle, Stan, and Cartman were duking it out verbally.
"WHO DID THIS!?" Kyle asked angrily.
"DUDE! It was Cartman, dumbass! Who the hell do you think it is? Cartman's the one with the fucking video camera! He's the big fat bastard here for fuck's sake!" Stan yelled.
"No way, dude, it was totally Stan! He has a gay man-crush on you, Kyle! I can prove it! See this picture? It clearly shows you and Stan together, inside a pink heart shape, kissing each other!" Cartman explained.
"Holy shit, dude!" Stan responded.
"Cartman, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Kyle yelled. "You're clearly the one who bribed poor Kenny and Stan to join you and we all know it, you god damned son of a bitch!"
"Do I look like a bastard to you? Does my curly mustache and pointy beard look devilish to you?" asked Cartman.
"Of course it does!" yelled Stan. "For fuck's sake, your facial hair looks as if someone drew it on your face with a magic marker!"
"You know you would totally do that if you saw me on the front cover of a magazine..." Cartman replied.
"DAMN YOU TO HELL, CARTMAN! YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A GOD DAMNED WHORE! YOU EVEN CHEATED KENNY OUT OF A FIFTY-DOLLAR DEAL! FUCK YOU!" Kyle yelled uncontrollably. "Still, girls will probably love me after seeing that video...Wendy and Bebe are already going crazy over me!"
"Say, where's Kenny?" Stan wondered.
"Who cares?" Cartman replied.
Meanwhile, on top of the school roof, Kenny was dangling a cardboard cutout of himself on the hook of his fishing rod. "Suckers..." Kenny thought to himself. Sure enough, a small meteorite fell from the sky and hit the cardboard cutout, mistaking it for him. The cardboard cutout was vaporized.
"OH MY GOD! They killed Kenny!" Kyle said.
"You bastards..." Stan replied.
Also on top of the roof were Wendy and Butters. Wendy was gossiping to Butters about the "naked Kyle" incident.
"Cartman secretly filmed Kyle naked on video camera, and everyone in the school auditorium saw the video!" Wendy whispered in Butters's ear.
"Bwahahahaha!" Butters giggled uncontrollably.
"Hey, look Kyle!" said Cartman. "Wendy is telling Butters all about my video now! Oh my fucking god, this is even more delicious than Chipotle! HAHAHAHAHA!"
MEANWHILE AT THE SCHOOL STORE...
Cartman had just started selling copies of his video (which contained both his Sex Ed recording and his recording of Kyle's nakedness) for only $8.95 each. So far, he had already sold three of them (to Wendy, Bebe, and Mr. Garrison), earning him a total of $26.85.
When Kyle walked in and noticed this, he said "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"
"Everyone is JACKING IT to our smash-hit film!" Cartman explained.
"OUR film!? That's YOUR film, fatass!" Kyle replied.
"It's OUR masterpiece!" said Cartman. "You are going to be a fucking celebrity, Kyle! Every girl around here who wants a hot-ass boyfriend will want you! Would you like to buy a copy? Only $8.95 (plus tax because you're a fucking Jew)."
"NO!" Kyle yelled.
"Well, too bad." said Cartman. "Soon, the knowledge of your naked body will be distributed to every hipster in town."
And with that, Kyle ran out of the school's front door screaming.
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:iconxheyhihellox:
xHeyHiHellox Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014
Dude, this is great, but get rid of the goddamned asterisks. They make this thing so fucking annoying to read. If it didn't have them, I'd absolutely love this. At the moment though, I just like it.

Seriously, though. The ***s are really frickin' irritating.
Reply
:iconxandermartin98:
xandermartin98 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2014  Student General Artist
They're gone
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:iconderpalicious39:
derpalicious39 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2014
I love that you can actually tell what Kenny is saying, this is hilarious.
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:iconxandermartin98:
xandermartin98 Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014  Student General Artist
I got rid of the chapters and pasted all 5 chapters together into one continuous story. :)
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:iconderpalicious39:
derpalicious39 Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014
Oh goodie
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